This was the first year that I didn’t spend Christmas Day with my parents. We stayed in bed, went to Rite Aid for beer and a plunger (why does the toilet stop working on Christmas Eve of all days?), and ate Mexican enchilada frozen dinners. I did miss having presents. I had said so many times that I don’t care about presents, and not to worry about getting my anything. And I don’t care about getting something to show off. But I decided that I do care that he goes out and gets something, anything, and wrap it for me. Think I can revise it for next year? It’s depressing not to have even one present to open. It’s nice to know someone thought of you.
I took a week’s vacation and we went and bought some furniture, made some art, now it looks like a real apartment. It feels like home. I love, love, love the apartment. I will miss it if we move to Austin. It feels like my first home.
For New Years, I stayed in bed again. Sick, watching 24. I have weird dreams from 24. I start to think people are following me. Conspiracy everywhere.
I hosted the friend’s Christmas party this year all by myself. It was a nice one. No getting too drunk, no late night martinis. Everyone loving the apartment and me finally getting Martha Stewart with the food preparation. I was pretty proud of myself. Buying wine, setting everything up, giving all the directions out, and still being ready early. The toilet didn’t work the night before, and I even taught myself how to use the plunger. I know it’s little things.
breathe
I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll
I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds
But oh, God, I feel I've been lied to
Lost all faith in the things I have achieved
And I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of all I have created
I'm longing to be lost in you
(away from this place I have made)
Won't you take me away from me
Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins
I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed
I can't go on like this
I loathe all I've become
Lost in a dying world I reach for something more
I have grown so weary of this lie I live
Evanescence's Away From Me
This is exactly how I felt about seven months ago. Sounds dramatic, I know, but it's true. It's not even failure, it's knowing you've willingly given up all of the dreams you had for your life, everything you thought you were or wanted to be. Like you are a stranger, or more like you have covered yourself up for so long you forgot what you look like. It happens slowly, but you get so buried you can't breathe anymore and everything seems impossible, like you will never get out. And the worse part is you know you did it voluntarily, you have no one to blame but yourself.
It's so nice to be able to breathe again...
I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds
But oh, God, I feel I've been lied to
Lost all faith in the things I have achieved
And I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of all I have created
I'm longing to be lost in you
(away from this place I have made)
Won't you take me away from me
Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins
I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed
I can't go on like this
I loathe all I've become
Lost in a dying world I reach for something more
I have grown so weary of this lie I live
Evanescence's Away From Me
This is exactly how I felt about seven months ago. Sounds dramatic, I know, but it's true. It's not even failure, it's knowing you've willingly given up all of the dreams you had for your life, everything you thought you were or wanted to be. Like you are a stranger, or more like you have covered yourself up for so long you forgot what you look like. It happens slowly, but you get so buried you can't breathe anymore and everything seems impossible, like you will never get out. And the worse part is you know you did it voluntarily, you have no one to blame but yourself.
It's so nice to be able to breathe again...
broken
I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
You've gone away, you don't feel me, anymore
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
(lyrics from Seether's Broken)
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
You've gone away, you don't feel me, anymore
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
(lyrics from Seether's Broken)
leaving.
Why did you take a lamp?
Because I needed light.
But why did you just take one lamp?
Because I was trying to be nice and reasonable,
because you freaked out when I asked for a side table,
because that way we could each have one...
which of the answers is he looking for?
What am I going to do with one lamp?
One lamp is useless.
You might as well just take both of them.
So this is how it's going to be.
I took one lamp. I took one pot and I took one frying pan. I took my desk and computer and the twin bed out of the spare room. He watched me pack. He opened the boxes of my clothing and knick-knacks to see what I was taking.
He insisted we split the framed photos. But they were all photos I had taken of my family and then had framed, and I couldn't leave them. Instead I left the framed pictures of us on the wall:
Us, on the cruise with fancy pineapple drinks in our hand waving from the port. Us, sitting in lawn chairs eating snowballs at the Mardi Gras parade. Us, gazing at each other while slow dancing in my bridesmaid dress at my best friend's wedding. Us, on the first year's Christmas card where we sat outside with the dog and the cat and my brother took pictures until we knew that that one would be perfect, the dog's head cocked to the side between ours. And, the most newly framed us, smiling from behind the three-tiered cascading-pink-roses-that-perfectly-matched-my-bouquet on white-icing cake which took me three whole afternoons to decide on.
That night he called and asked me whether I took the paper towels with me. He didn't believe me when I said no. They aren't here now and they were here before you packed.
So this is how it's going to be.
Because I needed light.
But why did you just take one lamp?
Because I was trying to be nice and reasonable,
because you freaked out when I asked for a side table,
because that way we could each have one...
which of the answers is he looking for?
What am I going to do with one lamp?
One lamp is useless.
You might as well just take both of them.
So this is how it's going to be.
I took one lamp. I took one pot and I took one frying pan. I took my desk and computer and the twin bed out of the spare room. He watched me pack. He opened the boxes of my clothing and knick-knacks to see what I was taking.
He insisted we split the framed photos. But they were all photos I had taken of my family and then had framed, and I couldn't leave them. Instead I left the framed pictures of us on the wall:
Us, on the cruise with fancy pineapple drinks in our hand waving from the port. Us, sitting in lawn chairs eating snowballs at the Mardi Gras parade. Us, gazing at each other while slow dancing in my bridesmaid dress at my best friend's wedding. Us, on the first year's Christmas card where we sat outside with the dog and the cat and my brother took pictures until we knew that that one would be perfect, the dog's head cocked to the side between ours. And, the most newly framed us, smiling from behind the three-tiered cascading-pink-roses-that-perfectly-matched-my-bouquet on white-icing cake which took me three whole afternoons to decide on.
That night he called and asked me whether I took the paper towels with me. He didn't believe me when I said no. They aren't here now and they were here before you packed.
So this is how it's going to be.
serendipity
\seh-run-DIP-uh-tee\ noun
: the faculty or phenomenon of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for; also : an instance of this
: the faculty or phenomenon of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for; also : an instance of this
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