pirates

it's been hard adjusting to the boys not being here. i'm still tripping over pirate ships that i can't really bear to pick up. i turned off the christmas music for good. this isn't even like having to take yourself to work after a glorious vacation, it's more like having nothing at all to do after being busy for two weeks, but not in a good way. how do i explain? like for two weeks i was needed, belonged, had something worthy to do, and now i could not get out of bed again for all day and it wouldn't matter a bit. how depressing is that?

the apartment is absolutely trashed still, but i've started to clean. started in the way that probably only i do, stepping over the dirty clothes and dishes and toys to the corner to organize the dvd cabinet. i've also unpacked a box of books that had been holed up since we moved in over the summer. it's a start right?

how i know i'm not normal

i went along to the airport yesterday, waking up at 4 in the morning. i don't go into boston enough and hardly ever alone, so i like to take these days he brings the kids across the country and then flies right back, these all day in the air days to go over to harvard square or something and wander around. yesterday i was going to go to the mfa. i've been wanting to go for, like, six months.

instead, i took a nap in the car until my toes were too cold to move, winter sucks (and they were right, december is the beginning and not the end like i thought), then went to the airport borders, then sat around all day smoking and reading and drinking coffee and just generally trying not to have anyone sit next to me and my neck hurting from the airport chairs. you know, i could have hopped onto the subway and went anywhere. i could have done anything. i had the whole day to myself (literally, he arrived back after 9 pm.), but i was perfectly content to sit alone in the airport.

i've done this quite a few times now, sitting and watching and listening and drinking and reading. i think this means i am not normal. or maybe that i am lazy. or depressed. i'm not sure, only that this is me.

so, i read perfume. i normally hate murder books, but i coundn't put it down. i'm not giving anything away, it's right in the title: story of a murderer. i liked the style a lot. and i even liked the dude, although he was one weird dude. i also started on lolita. so far, i don't like the author's style at all.

domestic goddess

(collage elements from allure, october 2006)

these pieces i pulled about two weeks ago but didn't have time to glue down. i had done an arrangement that i liked then, but couldn't recreate it this time. i'm not altogether satisfied with this one, i've learned that this is something best done in one sitting. the others i can look at and think that they captured a very specific moment, but i think by the time i got around to completing this, this morning, i had already lost that moment.

i love journals for this reason, i can re-read and entry and even though it is no longer true, i can recall the essense of it completely. photographs are different. i think it is very hard for a photograph to truly capture the essense of a moment. for me, the photograph replaces the memory instead.

nothing

the kids are leaving tomorrow. i want to keep them. they want to stay, even though a second christmas is waiting at home. i think that says a lot.

we sat on the sofa bed and watched willow (again) last night. before the youngest fell asleep he put his arm around me. i can't even tell you how that feels. these kids don't have to like me. from what they hear at home, i don't see how they can. so when they do things, little things, like that it really touches me. this morning i was sitting on the sofa next to their dad and the oldest asked me to come play legos with him. me! this house will be different when they leave.





we went to the beach the other day and rock climbed. we went candlepin bowling. we've baked cookies and cupcakes and muffins. we played in the snow (snow!) (even though it was 33F outside so it was more like rain). we made paintings for their dad for christmas (above, i was impressed!), that was fun. we watched a lot of kid movies. we spent a whole day (8 hours) at the mall and shopped for toys and clothes.

the youngest loved shopping, but the oldest hated it. we bought a lot of new clothes for them. their clothes are always stained or torn or falling off. it's strange how nothing fits -- even the shoes they wear everyday are two sizes big and falling apart. we buy new shoes, but next time they're still wearing the old ones. the oldest doesn't really care, but the youngest loves his new pants and belts and shoes and sponge bob underwear. the oldest said all my clothes are too big, i don't think me mom knows what size i wear. his dad says she likes to buy things big so they last longer. i understand this in theory, but when you're buying a pair of shoes for a five year old from walmart, the shoes will be worn out before the child's feet grow two sizes. i keep swapping out the old clothes for new ones and now it's paying off because this trip some of the new clothes came back in the suitcase. i let them pick everything out, and they are so cute with their different styles.

yesterday, their grandparents came over and everybody helped me clean up before they came. it didn't take long and the apartment looked so nice (even though its trashed again already). i really am lucky. i love this place, i love this city, i love these kids, and i love their father so much. but i miss my family so much i could cry at any second. and i have been. starting on christmas day and ending yesterday morning. i think it was pms, or ms, combined with christmas disappointment, plus not seeing my family for months, plus money trouble (doesn't it always come at the holiday?), plus exhaustion. i'm glad its gone. i woke up this morning to a good dream and little voices and a perfect cup of coffee, and even with all the things to still worry about, i guess that's not a bad way to start a new year.

kitchen fantasy

ok, i am not a kitchen person. i actually had pots and pans and stuff that went so unused that i just gave them away when i moved. but lately, i've been baking a little (cake mix muffins, and instant pancakes) and thinking maybe i'd like to do more. i bought one 2 quart pot and a flat pan and a cupcake baking tin and that's it. i think it's time to move on, but slowly, with these:


and i don't know why, but i really, really, really want this:



in case you can't tell what it is, it's a magic mushroom print apron from anthropologie. i know.